Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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