Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
