mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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