Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Less talking, more tequila
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
