They should really pass out barf bags in church
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
