If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
