So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
