$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
