as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
