I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
