Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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