So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
love makes seman taste better
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
