just come out here and I will go home with you...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
