If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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