If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I need to stop coming to work sober
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
