Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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