"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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