if you like me you must not know who I am
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
