I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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