Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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