Do you still have your period?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
