I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
