Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
