I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
