i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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