Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
