I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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