If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
