Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
