The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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