so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
