I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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