you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
