hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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