True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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