Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
