He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
