We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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