Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
