I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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