Who wears a wallet chain?!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
