if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
