youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
