my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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