Apparently you make a good broom.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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