if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
