u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
