So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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