I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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