on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
