Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
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Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
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He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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