Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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