I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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