fuck your aforementioned shoe
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
