My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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