All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
