Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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