I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
