I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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