shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
