1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she peed on how many people?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
